This Just in…

Tavares Calls on City Residents to Curtail Mayhem

Mikko Morsso, Journal staff writer

0800, Wednesday,  June 1, 2011

 

Mayor Angel Tavares has asked The Providence Residents Association to absorb a ten percent reduction in criminal activity, medical emergencies and fires. In addition, he has declared that any and all hazardous material spills, leaks or exposures cease immediately. The givebacks will be retroactive  to January 1, 2011.

"Due to the Category 5 Hurricane currently blowing through Providence, I have no choice but to demand these cuts," said Tavares when questioned by Stanley Oshepski, President of the The Greater Providence Residents Concerned About the Future of Providence, (GPRCAFP) "Draconian times call for Draconian measures."

"These cuts are unsustainable," stated Oshepski.

To balance the budget, Mayor Tavares asks all city residents contemplating murder, rape, burglary or other violent crimes to reconsider until the recession ends. Fires will be allowed on Monday, Thursday and Saturday nights only , with the exception of Waterfire nights. Medical emergencies will be rationed to ten per hour.

The cuts in resident mayhem are in direct proportion to the ten percent cuts demanded from the Police and Fire Department unions.

"We all must share in the sacrifices needed to bring our great city back to economic prosperity," explained the mayor.

Oshepski disagrees with the mayor's proposal. "I thought this was America," he stated.

"We simply cannot continue to provide city services at the current levels," explained Rossanna Danadana, speaking for the mayor. If concessions from the residents are not given, eviction notices, randomly chosen from city tax records will be sent out at the end of the fiscal year.

"We expect to save 16 million by evicting ten percent of our residents. Nobody wants to do this," Danadana explained, "but our administration is not responsible for the disaster."

"I don't expect my ideas to be popular," says Tavares, "But I already won the popularity contest when I was elected."

with wire reports from the MM

 

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