Just to prove I've lost my mind I decided to read the Protocol Book again. A few pages in, I found this….
1.0 Pre-screening before Standard Management of All Patients
1. Respond to scene in a safe manner
>Consider scene safety and initiate pre-conceived notions regarding patient
>Use of lights and sirens may be necessary, however, consider the nature of call and number of times responding to address.
>Completely ignore National Incident Management Systems and avoid radio transmissions during initial size-up.
2 .Approach the scene cautiously and assess potential kling-on patients
>If klingons attempt to muscle in on patient who called, a strait-arm tactic is advised as you proceed to person in potential need
>Difficult to shake klingons must be dealt with swiftly, prior to any real illness or injury occurring
3. A full set of vital signs must be obtained prior to ruling out validity of patient
> Systolic BP <90 consider legitimate (no guarantee)
> HR <60 and >120 consider legitimate (consider exceptions)
> RR <10 and > 24 consider legitimate
4. If patient makes it to Assessment Stage Two, use patient monitoring equipment, such as pulse oximeter and ECG monitor.
> Document any abnormal findings
Once patient has been confirmed as "illegitimate," safely leave scene and return to service. If illegitimate patient continues to call 911, this becomes a police matter and the proper authorities shall be dispatched.
But then I woke up.