Let us say you happen to come across a dozen fresh, beautiful 1 1/2 pound Maine Lobsters. How could such a thing happen you ask? Perhaps Mr. 618 will know. (Thank you Sir! Size xl shirt
2 Pkgs Ritz Crackers
1 Lb. Butter
1 Lb. Bay Scallops
1 Cup Apple Sauce
1 Cup Mayonnaise
8 oz dry white wine
1 tsp garlic powder, onion powder, salt and black pepper
1 Tbs Paprika
Six boxes Near East Rice Pilaf (pawn that job off on somebody, Lobster Chefs are too important to be opening boxes and boiling water)
Anyway, you take one of the little critters and pull off his claws at the point where his "knuckles" meet the body. Then flip him on his back, put the point of a large chef's knife in the middle of his thorax (it helps if you think of the lobster as a bug and not a hamster) push the tip in all the way to the back, then bear the weight of the knife with the palm of your non-cutting hand and split the tail section down the middle. Yes, it is barbaric, but I killed a million lobsters for minimum wage when I was barely fourteen and working as a dishwasher at Bassett's Inn, so you big burly firemen can man up!
Now then, crack the thorax, rip out the heart, lungs and roe, throw that mess away and lay Mr. Lobster on his back on a full sized sheet pan,
Repeat 11 more times.
Take the claws and attached knuckles and drop them into a large pot of boiling water, cook until they are done, which is when the lobster's shell is bright red, about 5-7 min in rapidly boiling water.
While the claws are boiling, take your Ritz cracker sleeves and mash the crackers while still in the package, thereby creating Ritz Cracker crumbs. Do two large boxes that way, or 8 sleeves, and put the crumbs into a large mixing bowl. Add 3/4 lb of melted, clarified butter, 1 Cup apple sauce and 1 Cup mayonnaise. Add garlic powder, onion powder, salt, pepper and Paprika and mix until it is no longer crumbly but not too wet.
In a frying pan, put a little butter on bottom, pour in some (about an 8 oz. glass) dry white wine (if you wouldn't drink it, don't cook with it!) and let it boil for a minute or so. Add a pound of bay scallops and some shrimp if you have it, chopped into little pieces (about the size of the bay scallops)
Toss the wine, butter, scallop and shrimp mixture with the crumbs. The stuffing should be a little dryer than instant Stove Top Stuffing. Now, fill the empty lobster cavities with the stuffing and put the sheet pan into the oven on BROIL for about five minutes. The stuffing should get a little brown on top and the tail meat should be done to the point that the meat easily separates from the shell.
Put the Baked Stuffed Lobster in the middle of a big dinner plate, take the claws out of the boiled water and arrange nicely. Here, you have the option of being kind and splitting the claw for your guests. Simply hold the claw on its side, pincher side down and whack the middle of the claw with your chef's knife. (watch your fingers!) and give the knife a little twist. By the time you are on your last claw you might have the hang of it.
Serve that with the Rice Pilaf and my guess is nobody will be complaining for the rest of the tour. Maybe even the next one, but don't count on that!