Darkness Descends

I am mentally ill. There, I said it. I have  been medically treated for depression since 2001, when my phyciatrist prescribed Wellbutrin for my condition. Does it work? I don’t know, but I’m afraid to stop taking it. Prior to being medicated I drank. A lot. It was the only thing that brightened my outlook on just about everything.

“Darkness Descends” is a good way of describing the world I lived in nearly every day. I thought it was normal to live that way, and to  live a shadowy existance where even the brightest sunshine was obscured with cloudiness manifested in my mind.

So, if I don’t drink and don’t take my medications will everything be okay, or will I start drinking again to alleviate my dreary existance? I often wonder, but  it’s just not worth the risk, because life is pretty darned good at the moment.

But what if…What if I wasn’t able to take any medication because I didn’t have health care insurance or the ability to seek professional mental health advice, and self-medicated, and continued to drink alcohol heavily, and eventually did something stupid, such as drive drunk, and maybe, just maybe somebody got in my way and  got killed because of my actions, where would I be now?

I wouldn’t be writing this, you wouldn’t be reading it, I would be in Jailprison or dead, and people would know only one thing; that Michael Morse was a drunk who killed an innocent person. Nobody would care about the rest of the story, the jury’s verdict would be final, and I would be my harshest critic, and I would be leading a life far different from the one I now enjoy.

Or, I might have gotten lucky, and stayed out of trouble, but lived with an addiction that would inevitably lead me to hopelessness, despair, poverty and in all liklihood dependance on government services.

When I was in charge of an ALS crew in Providence, RI, people would often ask me why I was overly “nice” to our mentally ill patients, the schitzophrenics, bi-polar patients and chronically depressed; even when they would threaten us, spit at us, and physically attack us. They wondered why I never got “mad” at the drunks, the “bums” and the lost and helpless.

Well, I never walked a mile in their shoes, but I still learned a lot at the half-mile mark.

Our prisons are full of mentally ill people. Mental health care is woefully inadequete, and many people who are mentally ill have no idea how good their lives could be with the proper treatment.

2 Comments

  • Bravo Michael … Thank you for having the guts to talk of this debilitating way of life that too many live as you say, in the darkness of, with no voice and no one to listen. God Bless you for bringing into the open something that most of us can identify with whether it be a friend or a family member. It’s a lonely path for all involved, and fear and shame stop the conversation. Thank you …

  • Michael Morse says:

    Thank you Jill, I hope the story helps somebody in any way.

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