Public Restroom Confessions

EMS: A Career of Public Restroom Horror Jeremy Brooks/Flickr

When I took a promotion and was transferred from Engine Co. 9 to Rescue Co. 1, one of the busiest EMS units in the city, I learned right quick how much I missed the familiar firehouse bathroom.

To some, the firehouse bathroom is the cesspool of the universe. For the people who seldom return to quarters, the firehouse bathroom is heaven on earth…considering the alternatives. While the firefighters take care of business at home, the EMTs are on the road, where anything can happen, anywhere.

You see, life on the road in the world of EMS leaves little room for routine. And, every movement we make is a gamble.

A coffee and a smoke before breakfast?

Rolling the dice.

The breakfast burrito?

Ten o’clock meltdown.

The noon station meal prepared by the Ladder Company?

Guaranteed crowning on the way to a one o’clock maternity call. And it won’t be the patient.

Some egg rolls and leftover American Chop Suey for dinner, while responding to a MVC?

Defcon 5 without a safe place to land.

New York System Hot Wieners at midnight?

A peeking turtle head by two.

Let’s face it, there is nowhere on the road where we are comfy dropping our drawers. But, here are by far, the:

Top 5 Worst Places for Emergency Operations

1) The ER Restroom

EMS: A Career of Public Restroom Horror. Emergency Room Bathroom
“Well, it is an emergency.” (source)

Two choices, Bleach covered buns after the janitor makes his hourly rounds or piss ass prior to. The advantage is that the stench created is barely noticed due to the fetid aroma emanating from the patient area.

2) Any Other Hospital Bathroom

EMS: A Career of Public Restroom Horror. hospital bathroom
“Hi, I noticed you were in there for a very long time. Do you need a doctor?” (source)

How do the hottest nurses instinctively know exactly when to walk past the scene of the crime at exactly the wrong time?

3) The Gas Station

EMS: A Career of Public Restroom Horror. gas station
“It’s no-man’s land in there.” (source)

It’s no-man’s land in there. Toilet seat touchdown is forbidden, a suspended squat the only alternative. Breaking out the Haz-Mat suit is recommended, and if time permits consider donning the SCBA.

4) The Local Coffee Shop

EMS: A Career of Public Restroom Horror. hospital bathroom
“He was really moving fast. Must be serious.” (source)

Dear god, why does a coffee shop lock the damned doors and make us beg for the key!

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