General Order 1, effective 1 Jan 20 @ 0800 hrs.
I’m taking over EMS. I’m turning it into a national organization, and renaming it THE EMS. (pronounced like THE FBI, not The CIA)
– New uniforms will be issued, black shirts and trousers, with a big yellow EMS in capitol letters emblazoned on the back, an American Flag on the left shoulder, and a Department of EMS patch on the right.
– Each and every member of The EMS will be trained as a Paramedic.
– All ambulances will be red and white Tesla Trucks, with a million flashing lights and reflective materials. In place of sirens Metallica’s And Justice for All will play on a continuous loop.
– The interior will be comfortable, and each and every unit will be identical, and kept to the standards set forth by The Department of EMS, as directed by the director.
– Equipment will be state of the art and provided by the federal government, and distributed through the network of police and fire departments in each jurisdiction.
– There will be no rank in the field, every crew member will be equally proficient in all areas of emergency medicine and transport. New members will be trained at CIA headquarters in Maryland, in a newly designed EMS training facility.
– Only when a candidate successfully completes the training will he or she join the ranks in the streets.
– When a person calls for The EMS, a response team will be sent, the emergency sized up following the newly developed 911 Emergency Call Directive, patients triaged and treated and the appropriate agencies notified.
– Fire and police departments will be under the direction of The EMS, and will carry out the commands of The EMS without delay.
– The EMS will be ultimately responsible for the patient that needs emergency care, as dictated by The EMS on scene.
– Those patients who called for The EMS and had no reason to do so other than to take advantage of the altruistic nature of our land will be issued a citation and fine. Those unable to pay the fine will be placed into a pool of candidates whose primary purpose will be to provide comfort to The EMS, and clean The EMS quarters and apparatus.
– When offender has successfully completed three (3) bodily fluid cleanups they will be released, and the next candidate will begin their sentence.
– Applications are now being processed. Salary upon completion of the obligatory eight month indoctrinization program will begin at $85,000 annual salary, with full health care (15% co-share of policy) matching 401K, three weeks vacation time and four uniforms, which will be replaced at the rate of one every six months.
– Sick time will be allowable under similar criteria of the 911 callers directive.
Please send applications to me, The EMS Director at this address for consideration.
Thank you, that is all.
“Im onna di apa ratis.”